This week has been especially hard. So, I decided to put into words the thoughts and memories that kept popping up throughout this week.
Dear Mom,
I don’t know any other way to be able to say what I want to you so here it goes.
During this week last year, we were sitting with you at the hospital, and you told us that ‘this was it.’ I still remember holding your hand and leaning over your bed not believing the words you were saying but somehow knowing they were true. I remember all the boys in the garage building the glider we got you for Mother’s Day and wheeling you over to the door so you could see it. Even though I knew things were bad I never actually thought that, that would be our last Mother’s day with you.
Every morning in May and June I would hear your voice come through the walkie talkie, which Dad would set in my room when he went to work in the morning… I would hear you say “Hayley, you got to get up… because I’m not lying in this bed all day.” We had our routine down pretty good in the mornings: clothes, wig, out to the kitchen for cereal (Chocolate and Vanilla Life), back to brush teeth, and then to living room to sit in your spot with a book or the remote. We watched Ellen together at least once a day and sometimes would catch the second airing of it and we would still laugh at jokes as if we hadn’t heard them just a few hours ago.
When you finally decided you wanted to lay in your hospital bed that was in the living room I helped you into it and gave you the controller and walked out into the kitchen to make lunch. I walked back in to the living room and you had the bed up as high as it would go (and it went pretty high,) I was laughing so hard I could barely ask you what you were doing and you quietly said “just messing around” I have to admit that would have been the first thing I would have done too J. You amazed me the week of Jake and Dana’s wedding. I know God was helping you be so strong through all of it, but it was truly miraculous the difference from the previous week.
When things got worse, I was scared and the thought crossed my mind ‘maybe I can’t handle this’ as soon as it was in my head, it was out again because it was literally just something I knew I had to do. I would sit by your bed and rub your bald head. It never bothered me at all, I think because I knew it made you more comfortable not having the wig on. I can still feel what your hand felt like in mine when I sat by your bed for the “night shift.” When I would finally go to bed I prayed that we would have one more great memory with you. About a week before you left us we had just that. One night you were so alert and asking for water and something to eat, and wanting to try the Acai Berry Juice. I thank God for that night, for one more night to remember you talking with us and joking around with us. I refer to that evening as “our last supper” when I talk about it with anyone.
Near the end I kept telling you it was okay to go, just because I didn’t want you to suffer anymore. But the truth is I would have given anything for you not to go. You had the kindest heart of anyone I have ever known. There is no doubt in my mind that you are an angel watching over all of us.
Nicole, Jake, Zach, and I are so blessed to have had you as our Mother. I can’t thank you and Dad enough for the amount of love you showed us and the way you raised us. I think we all turned out pretty darn good.
I love you so much and miss you everyday.
Happy Mother’s Day
Love,
Hayley
