Today I had a breakthrough.
Nothing remarkable happened…it was just as though, I woke up and realized “I only have one life.” If we’re lucky we get 75 years or so on this earth. While I’m sure nothing will be able to compare to God’s unending life in heaven, I need to make the most out of my time here. As with everything else in my life, this made me think of my mom and how she was cheated of 20 or so more years on this earth. I got mad, I got a little angry at God for taking her away from us, our amazing family and all the people that loved her. The anger quickly went away and I realized that her (and everyone else’s) life was and is a gift. We aren’t promised 75 or 80 years with the people we love. Every day, every year that we are given is a gift from Him. He doesn’t HAVE to give this to us, He didn’t HAVE to give us His ONLY son to save us all. Every thing, every minute is a gift that he doesn’t have to give us… but He does, because not only does He love us, like a parent loves us, but He Likes us and wants us to be happy. I hope that reads the way I meant it
Second Revelation of the day:
I’ve been battling my weight for years and years. While I’ve had excuses as to how I got this way… I’ve ran out of excuses as to why I’ve stayed this way. There are absolutely no good reasons why I shouldn’t buckle down finish this challenge that I started. AND maintain a healthy weight and life.
I’ve done pretty good so far, I’m down 37 lbs to date. I decided to take the holidays off, just maintain my weight and not worry about losing. I did well, I gained 2 lbs (in a month) and then once I got back on track I quickly lost 4 lbs in a week and then one more and then I just stopped. This week has been AWFUL. Tuesday things went downhill and stayed there. Because I’m doing this in a healthy way, of trying to eat right and exercise, it’s going to have ups and downs. I just really despise the “downs” it brings. Everyone has something different that works for them. For me, if I deprive my body of having a cookie every day. At the end of the week, I’m going to eat only cookies for dinner and that’s clearly not a good option. So, I might have one cookie every few days, so that I don’t go overboard. I know some people say “you can’t reward yourself with food” or cut sweets completely out of their diet. If that works for you, more power to you. But please don’t preach to me that I’m somehow doing something wrong, just because you don’t do things the exact same way.
So let’s talk about goals.
Goal 1: lose another 15-20 lbs by mid April
Goal 2: lose an additional 35-40 lbs by Labor Day
Goal 3: love my body
Goal 4: Maintain, Maintain, Maintain
Over the past 6 months or so I started online dating… As “modern” as it is, there is still a social stigma that goes along with it. I would be out to dinner with friends and see someone that I recognized from one of the dating sites and couldn’t help but laugh, because they are a total stranger to me… but I know their life story because I could read their dating profile online. I very quickly realized that others could be doing that to me as well. Though I am not embarrassed that someone would know about me from my profile on a dating website, simply because my profile is basic and I don’t over share on it…I don’t want that anymore. I want to get to know someone face to face and not by reading about them online first. I want a story I can tell my kids about how I met their dad, that doesn’t begin with “Well, I was sitting at my desk in my room looking through hundreds of profiles online…”
I don’t regret it at all. Online dating helped me get back into the dating world, a place I hadn’t visited for Quite a while. Though, I needed that previous “non dating” time to find myself (as cliche as that sounds). It helped me realize what I do and what I don’t want out of a relationship. I have even made a few friends from this experience. The problem is meeting people… it’s not like I can meet someone at my job and the bar scene is just…yea, not going to happen. So I’m thinking about joining some groups in the area. Not only to meet someone to date, but just to make some new friends too. I know I want to find a bible study that I enjoy and have been looking at a few different churches in the area to do so.
I do everything online…I found my job online(Thank you again, God. It’s the best) I’ve been looking for a relationship, I talk to friends that I could pick up the phone and talk to, I shop, I read, I get lost in craft ideas on Pinterest that I have no intention of actually creating. I do Everything online. I need to disconnect. Not in a “I’m deleting my facebook and not any answering emails” sort of way. Just need to stop only living my life online, and start living my actual life.
So it’s just been a day of revelations and realizations. It also made me think about school, finishing a degree, and starting the path of the non-profit I want to begin. I went to the bookstore to get a jump on books about management and a business degree and actually met some really nice people there this evening. I don’t know if I will ever see them again… but it’s a start.
I hope getting all this out makes me continue to write, whether it’s on here or just in a journal.
I know this was kind of all over the place, but I had a lot of ground to cover!